


Gotta wear a uniform

by tatch



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depression, Loss, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 20:49:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3992386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatch/pseuds/tatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because that uniform has a story of his own. One that Steve wants to change, even if just a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gotta wear a uniform

Cap's first uniform had been put together on the spur of the moment: blue tights under aviator clothes, an USO girl helmet from the closest tent, his prop shield from the tour. It had meant nothing but last minute preparation and urgency, rolled and packed and flown before the girls finished dancing and smiling for a crowd of tired soldiers, thousand-yard stares fixed on skirts and tights without really seeing them. It had become a beacon to which allies rallied and enemies targeted, blue rays always missing that white white star. And as fire was left behind and the long journey back started, it brought strength to the hearts of freed men, feet no longer dragging in dust and gaze filled with renewed hope.

Cap's second uniform was a statement. A choice and a continuation, the following of a path. An idea made real by one Howard Stark, genius inventor, all leather and padding and pouches. A blue white and red, star and spangles armour, a light of hope and call to arms wrapped around a gentle heart, an unbreakable shield protecting from trials to come. It turned 'that kid from Brooklyn' into a hero all would follow through hell and back, a thousand time and once more. In the end, it brought death and anger and sacrifice, something lost forever in the snow and ice, never to be found again. In the end, it was peace.

Cap's third uniform was a return. A legacy too heavy to be carried alone, the burden of a future that wasn't meant to be lived in. Kevlar and future sewn together in patterns that meant nothing but the memory of times long since passed, a dance that would never be. It was regrets and pain, melancholy etched in the shape of a legend that didn't fit quite right. Still, it rallied allies and foes alike, all gathering toward a star that wished for peace and only received war, an endless battle that never seemed to be over.

Cap's fourth uniform was necessity and stealth. A game of spies and secrets and lies, weaved for all to fall in and whose* nobody knew the stakes anymore, players and pawns mingling and dancing to an ever quickening tempo. It was faking and gritted teeth, hiding and fighting fights that didn't feel quite right. It was a reminder of unfitness, the bright beacon's light dimmed to a weak flicker as doubts came in and torn what little peace had been found, leaving everything shattered and broken. It was void of meaning to Steve.

 

So when Stark came in with ideas and designs for a new uniform, Steve only asked for one thing. He wanted this one to mean something to him, to carry a message he, as Steven Grant Rogers, would understand and carry proudly, to be the reminder of loss and sacrifice made. Steve only asked for that red outline around the star that covered his chest, his heart, and when he explained his reason, Tony's questioning face turned into one of respect and understanding, as he himself understood that sometimes the price to pay was just too heavy a burden to bear alone and while some would bend and twist under the weight, others would keep on going until they broke.

Ultron defeated, Clint finally had time to ask about the one thing that really changed on Rogers new uniform. He was observant and noticed things and that one had no understandable meaning, so he asked:

-Hey Cap, what's the outline for?

-The outline?

-Yeah, you know the red outline around the star. Stark's way of leaving his mark on your things or-

Rogers' smile was just that side of melancholy, tightening hearts with the weight that could be seen in the way his eyes strayed to an invisible point, remembrance and guilt showing as the soldier got lost for a moment. Clint knew, had seen it happen before, witnessing that old and yet so young man get lost in memories and whispers of days that were so fresh they could have been yesterdays news and yet were long since passed, nothing but ghosts nobody else could remember. It took a minute for an answer to be spoken.

-I asked for it actually. A memory of lost friends and blood spilled, to remind me of the sacrifices made that brought me here.

It was an explanation that said too much and yet meant nothing at all, and as Rogers turned and left, still lost in memories, Clint frowned and opened his mouth, about to ask for more when Nat's voice suddenly whispered in his ear, effectively cutting off his question before it had a chance of truly forming.

-See how the top three red point are longer?

-...Yeah?

-Steve's best friend was a Sergeant, Clint.

\- ... Oh.

-Yes.

-He's not adjusting to the present at all, is he. He's still there.

-I don't think we'll ever get to see the man he was before.

-That guilt...

-He's lost, Clint. None of us even registers on his radar anymore. We're just another part of that nightmare he never asked for, never wanted to live in. He's drowning. I think... I think he has been drowning since they got him out of the ice. Nobody will see anything wrong until he breaks. Because that weight he carries won't bend him, it will not amount to anything until it finally does. It's going to kill him. And nobody will see it coming until it's too late.

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea that Cap's uniform all have messages (meanings they're supposed to carry) and stories, memories they remind Steve of. Some good, some bad.   
> And then it turned into the fact that yes, Steve is trying to adjust to the future and it looks like he's doing great, but he also lost friends, the love of his life(whoever you ship him with is fine with me, except Tony) and two lives. He lost the world he had been living in, lost his best friend (let's face it they're almost brothers or lovers) and that's a heavy loss to deal with, so when given the choice to keep going or ending it all, he chose to passively stay in that plane and let himself die (you know, by not jumping out).   
> So when he wakes up, he realizes he also lost a future he could have had(on top of his previous loss) and that he's got the weight of the legacy of Captain America to shoulder on top of it all. And then the Bucky/HYDRA thing. That's a lot to deal with.   
> Now, I don't think Steve Rogers would actively go and take his own life and all (being catholic and believing in all that stuff) but I do think that given a situation where he would have to sacrifice himself (and not the 'there might be a chance of you never coming out of it' but the 'whoever takes this job is not coming back') to save others, he wouldn't hesitate. Steve Rogers isn't suicidal but he doesn't care much for living either.


End file.
